Thursday, February 23, 2006

The hazards of blogging

Okay. I'm back. And I'm feeling much better. A thank you to all the people who post such warm and nice things.

I find that one of the hazards of blogging is that it's so in the moment. That's all fine and good when the moment is good. But when the moment is dark. Well. Not so good.

I will first say that I like myself. Whew! I tried to ponder it more fully last night, and the night before, but I fell asleep. I wanted to ask myself to try and put together a mental list of why I liked myself, in that moment, so I could make those thoughts more concrete and perhaps file them away for times of darkness when the goodness escapes me. But I fell asleep.

I know that I mentioned earlier that it's probably hormones, and in the moment when I was writing that, I was in a dark place and commented that it's such a copout to say that. I have to say, now that I'm in a more positive place, that there is some truth to that. Hormones are these crazy little brain chemicals that wreak utter chaos if something disturbs their fragile balance. I know this. I know this. I lost a brother to the imbalance. And I've spent a lifetime drifting in and out of darkness, and when I get stuck there, it feels like deja vu and I get disgusted with myself for getting stuck there again and not being able to find my way out and only recognizing enough to know that I've been there before, thus giving myself more reason to despise myself. Magnifying silly superficial things beyond all reason. It's that broken record sensation I spoke of earlier. If we were talking classical control systems theory, it would be called positive feedback, which leads to instability and ultimate destruction. Now I have a visual of Galloping Gerty, which fell victim to harmonic frequency. (Umm, nerd alert. So I majored in Control Systems. Woop. Dee. Doo. I even actually used a teensy weensy bit of it in my professional life. But anyway, I digress. I was just attempting to express an analogy.)

So anyway. Hormones. A cacophony of hormones. That, and a yawn of excuses.

I could just delete the posts of darkness, but it wouldn't be altogether honest, so I think I'll leave them be. It sort of fits the SPT All of Me theme.

But right now? The sound of exploding glass has just interrupted all other trains of thought. That, and somebody wants his mommy.


Blogger blackbird said...

hormones are very powerful indeed.
I'm glad you are feeling better.

4:22 AM, February 25, 2006  
Blogger Sarah Ann Smith said...

I'm glad you're doing better too. I've had a cold, so haven't been blog surfing much. I have to admit....I looked for someone a bit heavy next to the king in the previous post and I couldn't find her! I see a normal sized teen/young person.... and for the now picture, I see beautiful, soft, voluptuous (envy!) curves.

If you want to, and can, lose weight, it's a good thing for your health, and that's a good thing for your beloved boo. I've never been really overweight, but when I started at Curves last June I was 30 pounds over what I'd like to be, and 40 pounds over what I was (skinny) at the end of college. I'm down 16 (it's slow going....I'll admit it), and I can't believe that even that much makes me feel better and my knees hurt less (years of ballet and gymnastics as a teen).

Anyway, glad you are better. And here's to many nights of your boo sleeping, peacefully, on his own, in his OWN room! YEAH!

Cheers (and not breathing germs on you) Sarah

5:47 PM, February 28, 2006  

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