Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Self Portrait Tuesday

I know the personal history theme is over, but I found this picture while digging through some old boxes of things. I've been on a sort of a downer lately, feeling anxious about things in general. Too much work. Not enough family time. Not enough baby time. Not enough me time. Thinking about self image and wondering why it is so easy to magnify the flaws and disregard the features. I've been feeling frustrated with myself for not being physically what I would like to be. Today, I would leap for joy to have the look that I had 25 years ago, in this picture. Yet in this picture, I remember the person I was then. And I had the same self image. I wasn't satisfied. Oh if only. Such a tiresome and most shallow expression. Where is the thankfulness for all that is good in life? So easily taken for granted.

I was nominated for Homecoming Queen that year, the fall of my Senior year. I don't know why. I wasn't crowned, and that didn't bother me. I remember feeling so uneasy being the center of attention. I don't like that feeling at all. I try to stand to make myself look as small as possible, so self-conscious of the midsection and the legs. My calves were so big I had to take my boots apart and re-sew the zippers in to give me a little more room, as much as I could possibly get. I was always in danger of them exploding from my legs. Now that would have been a sight! I'm the one next to the king. A bit heavy, and very much aware of it. Today, there is much more of me. A hundred pounds more. What an awful thing to put in writing. What a shameful thing. Four pounds a year for twenty five years. It can creep up on a person, and it wasn't a bit hard. I actually wear it rather well, which isn't necessarily a good thing. It makes the denial just that much easier. I wonder why the person in that picture couldn't be happier with herself. How shallow was she? There were probably people who would have loved to have her face, her skin, her eyes, maybe her hair. But she didn't pay much attention to those features. They came with the package. She didn't ask for them. They were just part of the genetic roulette. As were the legs. How foolish is it to let such a thing contribute so much to the total sum of self worth?

Very foolish. Very shallow. There are some things in life that the girl in the picture can control. Self worth is a choice. What a shame that she keeps forgetting this. She flashes a toothy smile, tosses her head, and is on her way, pushing those thoughts behind her for another day.


Blogger blackbird said...

I wish...
large or small,
short or tall,
dark or fair...
that you liked yourself better.

you seem awfully nice to me.

9:32 AM, February 21, 2006  
Blogger Suse said...

She IS awfully nice, blackbird. And astoundingly beautiful too.

You DO wear it well. You are beautiful and brilliant and loving and you need to love yourself.

(I love the moment that photo captures, and I remember it! Although I had forgotten about S being on crutches!)

6:16 PM, February 22, 2006  
Blogger Mandi aka Fabric Princess said...

I hear you. Why do we dislike what we see in the mirror, when others don't see it? Why do we never trust a compliment? I slouched. I still do. I hate when people say I'm pretty. I feel like they're making fun of me...just like in jr. high. I wish I could get over it and feel confident.
But hey, in your current pic you've got something lots of women pay big $ for! Thats good :)

6:38 PM, February 22, 2006  
Blogger Sharon K said...

I feel that we always put our self down for not looking like we did years ago. But to grow older is to be wise and alow mother nature to do her thing. I also have many extra lbs. and realize exercise will help, now all I have to do is the exercise it self. One day at a time and love your self because you seem like a lovely person.

4:39 PM, February 23, 2006  

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